Conference Supply Kit

Be Smart. Be a Survivor.

Conference Supplies
For Any Conference Survivor

Contains Pencils Thumbdrive Fresh Socks Multicolored Pen Folders Sanitary Wipes Granola Bars Graph Paper Stress Ball	Contains Deathwish Kit plus… Conference Supply Bag (aka Survival Satchel) Indestructible Water Bottle Deodorant (’cuz conference survivors smell too)	Contains Survivor Kit plus… Bottle/Can Opener Condoms Pepper Spray Gum Bandana

Real Conference
Survival Stories

After Tony Robins’ painfully inspiring speech at the 2006 TED conference, I rushed to the stage to get an autograph. After a final wink to his heterosexual soulmate, Al Gore, the overgrown self-help guru stormed off the stage, impatiently barking for someone to bring him a meatball sandwich. The distress in his entourage was evident. Apparently Tony Robins was not somebody to f*ck with. What happened next, I could’ve never imagined. The oversized self-help guru went silverback, lunging over several members of his posse and tackling me in a fit of rage. I tried to wrestle the beast, but he was too strong as he began gnawing at my shoulder. I was stunned. I didn’t know what to do. But then I remembered the multicolored pen that had come in my Conference Survival Kit. With excruciating pain in my left shoulder, I reached down into my pocket, pulled out the pen and struck him in the eye. Robbins recoiled like a wounded Rottweiler and I got away safely.

Thank you Conference Survival Kit, you saved my life.

-Mufassa, Conference Survivor

At every conference, there’s always a creepy guy. You know the one. And you know what he wants.

Ok, so maybe you don’t, but you know he’s up to no good with his plaid shirt, dirty hair, and criminal body odor. While everybody is having a good time, shaking hands and exchanging business cards, this criminal is looking for his next victim.

I was at SXSW Interactive when I saw him. Every time I would walk out of a session, the bastard was there. Watching me. I pretended not to notice, but I had a lock on the son-of-a-bitch in the sniper scope of my peripheral vision. I noticed him move from his hiding spot and walk towards the bathroom. That’s when I knew I had to take down the enemy and secure the premises. I camped out around the corner, as he took his time preparing in the bathroom. He wanted me to believe he was defecating, but I knew his tactics – he was testing me. Finally, the moment came, he opened the door and before he could say “sweet-jesus-malone,” I pulled out my pepper spray and sent him flying with a roundhouse kick to the face.

That’s when I knew everyone should have a Chuck Norris Conference Survival Kit.

-Chuck Norris, Creator of the Chuck Norris Conference Survival Kit

It was a long day. The crowds were packed in Washington on inauguration day and, if you hadn’t come prepared, chances were, you were gonna die. Fortunately, this wasn’t my first political gathering, so I knew the untamable mobs I was up against.

On the day, my worst nightmare came true, my party ran out of food at 2:36 PM. The crowds were too thick to get to a 7-Eleven or a White Castle and it was only a matter of time before we’d starve to death. Fortunately, I’d come prepared and while people around us were dropping dead like flies, we made it through the day on the granola bars that came in the Conference Survival Kit.

Only an idiot wouldn’t buy a Conference Survival Kit for any major conference.

-President Barrack Obama, President and Conference Survivor

Thanks to the condoms in the Chuck Norris Conference Survival Kit, I lost my virginity at AVN! Thanks Conference Survival Kit!.

-Albert, Conference Survivor

More REAL Conference Survival Stories ->